So, here’s the current status of George and the giant beanstalk. George is tied up tightly in the monster’s branches, hand and foot, trying to break out of its clutches. Unhindered by George’s violent but minuscule shouts and remonstrations, the tendrills continue to spread. As I shout my loudest about global warming’s eventual death nells for Gaia, the stalk grows ever more all encompassing.
A small group gets it–or almost so–but the size of the human population that is too busy trying to survive to pay attention at all is growing much faster that the portion that does get it.
I am increasingly aware of my pending seizing up. So far I’ve been very lucky, getting only non-debilitating reminders of my mortality and the unpleasant, but so far both painless (or at least no worse than annoyingly painful) symptoms from my M.S. and minor effects in terms of actual disability.
But I have been cursed with a Mission. One I feel must be executed in my most capable manner. I am acutely aware 1) that my ability to respond effectively will be terminated suddenly (for example by sudden death or onset of some painful condition), and 2) without warning.
I am also aware that, if taken by surprise, I will have missed the opportunity to have taken the most effective action, in terms of drawing attention to the Message of my Mission, available to me while not yet seized up: namely self immolation.
There are numerous, and often contradictory, thoughts I have on this line of thinking. The most prevalent one, just now, is the futility of such an act at the moment. I have not even put the case for my concerns for our environment down in a viable form yet. Were I to seize up today, there would not be a lot of my thinking coherently left to hope that anyone would notice much more than the act itself and the seeming irrationality of it.
Another is the appropriateness of my current circumstances. Interestingly, I seem to be trying my damnest right now to make those conditions less appropriate That’s probably both because I don”t much like the conditions that make now the best time I can remember for taking such a step as self immolation, and the simple fact that I enjoy being alive immmensely. What makes my current circumstances most appealing is that, trough too many circumstances to attempt to analyze, there are fewer people in my life currently that will be personally devastated by a suicide on my part than I believe I’ve ever known before.
If I don’t get up the nerve to take action before time and circumstance jumps in to decide for me, I kind of look forward to being taken out suddenly. I’m not nearly so fond of the idea of undergoing a great deal of pain or frustration in dying in what may also be my end game. Oddly, that kind of exit would, however, blunt the efficacy of a last minute self sacrifice of the type I’ve been imagining for several years now.
Anyway, these are only a few of my thoughts on the subject. As I try to resolve the dilemmas around this line of thinking, life continues to hit me like a constant barrage. I’ve gone as far toward moving out of Tahoe as giving notice to my landlord that I’m moving out of the trailer this Nov. 15th, but I have almost no idea what follows that. I really don’t want to leave my home of thirty-five years just because of fear of snow.
I’ll be packing and moving my stuff into storage pretty constantly for the interim, so I’ll try to take some time to schedule regular archival blogs to keep this activity alive during much of my stress in trying to move.