Simply put, it is that I think I might be able to do something about it (the future of the world). There is clearly no reason to hope for this.
And hope is all there is.
I have numerous versions of ways I might effect the changes I think will be necessary to save Gaia. But they are terribly naive. All require more personal bravery than I think I possess, and, besides, all the while the timer is running.
I don’t mean the timer on Earth and its impending disaster. I mean the timer on my own life. In any case, there is little chance the former will run out in a time frame even noticeable in the span of the latter.
Virtually all the versions of “me saving the world” involve suicide well timed and dramatic (the goal is always attention grabbing). But I fully expect to die on the way to my suicide. To do it otherwise would require belief in one’s own logical abilities stronger than logic can justify.
I wonder whether this is somehow bound up in the Godel barrier.
I’m also torn by the knowledge that I know absolutely nothing about what it is all about. Reality, immortality, morality–every important question there is–defies completely my ability to find an answer. That I seem compelled to continue the search is, surely, a form of insanity.