Well it’s been quite a long time since I’ve talked suicide. I think I always talked it as a strategy of last resort in getting my message a wider audience. Although I honestly don’t know what role depression had, or has now, in my thought process. The idea, if it’s not mostly about depression, is that a fiery exit might draw enough attention to get people to pay attention.
Suicide Again (How Morbid Can You Get?)
I remember when Mark died of ALS that I offered to assist him in suicide if he ever decided that was his best and only remaining option and he was physically unable to do it alone. He may have, in the end, wanted my help, but his wife would never leave us alone to discuss it. So it never came up for an actual commitment. I can’t say I am unhappy about that, although I am sorry.
Anyway, I am no longer confident that I will be able to do the deed by myself, even if the deed seems my only remaining choice. I certainly do not wish to do a half-way job of self-immolation and then spend who knows how many years in painful waiting for death.
The current complications are many, including the fact that I am rather depressed at the moment. The primary problem at the moment seems to be that my current living situation is too much of a burden for Barb.
I am going downhill in the M.S. department and probably should just admit that I should go into assisted living. If there was a facility available in South Lake I don’t think I would have any hesitation doing so, but I will have to move at least to Gardnerville, and possibly to Placerville or the coast, all of which are unreasonably far to expect to be able to keep up old friendships.
As for writing, I am about ready to give up all together, including the grandiose self-emolation plans.
Why what seems so obvious to me is not so much as talked about as the root cause which must be tackled immediately astounds me. Population growth must dealt with!
I know not how to approach this. Must I die trying to bring it to the agenda? Will I be able to do it?
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