I had a realization this morning: I am in an odd situation. On the one hand, suicide is an all too frequent thought. It is mostly because I need to stay alive to get the content of the Vision out that I don’t worry about it much. Nonetheless, I think the depression I sometimes suffer from would have already gotten to me save for this “lack of permission,” Suicide is not an option unless I find some way to make it serve the purpose of helping get the word out.
Until the book is published I see no way it would serve that purpose. It would be looked at as just another guy with disabilities who decided life wasn’t worth it. Very possibly that may be how it would be read in any case. I frequently fantasize, however, that self-immolation in the presence of having published a book, might succeed in drawing attention to the book and getting people to realize the validity of my points.
So not getting the book published is a survival tool, in an odd way.
I hate being handicapped, so I am happy having that tool because I also love life. It is, after all, the most interesting thing I’ve yet to experience–and there is no way to decide, so far as I have yet to ascertain, whether there is anything to follow it.
All of this is, possibly, academic, because I would likely find reason not to self-immolate, or better, less painful or more certain ways of drawing attention to my premise in any case. But it is currently in my mind, and has been for many years–more than I’ve even suffered from M.S.
On the other hand, I am increasingly seizing up in undeniable ways. You’ve probably heard me talk about “seizing up” before, as it is something I have often observed in others and frequently write about. In my case, it has begun as extreme slowness brought on by the M.S. and its many irritating side effects. So far, though, I have been virtually clear of pain, thank God. Should that change I suspect the seizing will be total.
I’ve recently been forced to look at other factors that seem to be coming into play. They are less definitive than the M.S. stuff and seem to creep into existence even more stealthily than the slow decline in the physical that accompanies my disability. They are virtually all psychological.
The most recent has to do with following up on invitations to submit a proposal to a couple of publishers that I got at the SF writing for change conference over a week and one half ago, I had a number of complications that slowed me down, but the biggest barrier has been thinking somewhat like that above. This morning yet another thought occurred to me: if I demonstrate complete seizing, my only remaining meaningful option will be the self-immolation one. In that sense, having seized up itself will have become a counter-survival strategy. What a nightmare!perhaps I better get the proposals in the e-mail.